Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Lance is being deployed to Afghanistan in January. I wanted to write my thoughts on the subject and why I'm so angry and depressed about it.

First, he's not even in the active national guard anymore. He's in the inactive national guard, also known as the ready reserves, and they're sending him off two months before he would have been completely done with all things national guard. I was always made to believe that they don't pull people out of the reserves unless it's an extreme emergency like world war 3 breaking out. This is where my anger comes from.

Next, I'm not just sad because I'm not going to see him for a year, but because it puts on hold all our dreams that we thought would be fulfilled after moving to Utah. We were going to buy our first house. We've looked at several and found some that we really liked and that we could see ourselves living in. I thought we'd finally be in our own home in a couple of months. House prices are still good and so are interest rates. Who knows what could happen in a year and a half.

Something else I was looking forward to was spending more quality time with Lance. Our relationship really struggled while I was suffering from postpartum depression and we knew we'd be getting more alone time together here thanks to the support of family and friends. We'll have a few months now and then suddenly he'll be ripped away.

The last things that makes me sad and angry is that it messes with our plans to have another baby. We wanted to try and get pregnant again next summer. We've put it off a bit because we thought that's what was best for our family, but neither of us want to put it off that much longer. And I certainly don't want to try and get pregnant right now so that I'll have a baby while he's gone. His deployment screws up all our plans and dreams. I think I have a right to be upset by this.

My mom reminded me of a talk Elder Wirthlin (I think) gave entitled, "Come What May and Love It." I know I can get through this trial, but I also know it's okay for me to be sad about it. Why does everyone think I need to just get over it immediately? It's a big deal. One of the reasons we were put on this earth was to experience sadness and sorrow. If we didn't feel those things, we wouldn't know what happiness and love even were and we be completely innocent like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. So let me feel sad for a little while and then I can know the happiness.


Amber said...

Yes, you are entitled to be sad, mad, and more. You are stronger than you think-- that is one thing I've learned through deployments. Heavenly Father knows what you can get through, and my testimony was strengthened so much. It will take time, and my heart aches for you. Let me know if I can do anything to help.

Livin it up said...

I love that talk! But I totally understand what you are saying. You need time. Time to be angry. Time to be sad. It is okay. Sometimes that's the only way to get through something. You can't just skip that step and jump to happy and okay...as much as everyone would like you to! I'm sorry again!

Jess said...

I think you have every right to mourn right now. This is a sad thing and I can't blame you for being upset. I hope I can get up there ASAP to keep you and Skye company during this long time. And at least we do know that the Lord ultimately is in charge, and that He still has a plan for your family, even when it's a little different that what you were planning.

Curtis & Elise said...

That is a huge blow to your family. I'm sorry to hear it.

I had a good friend in my last ward named Analissa Zabriskie (if you want her contact info, I'll get it for you). When she moved into the ward she and her husband and daughter bought a house. About two months later Tim (her hubby) was shipped off to Iraq (or Afghanistan, I can't remember now) for 18 months and she informed us she was pregnant.

They had bought in our ward because they knew what he'd be making while he was gone and that would be all they could afford (I lived in a very poor, but wonderful, area of Ogden). They also got pregnant on purpose in case he never returned, their daughter wouldn't be an only child. It was heartbreaking to hear how well-thought-out it all was.

I've never seen a ward come together so much and for so long in behalf of one particular person before. It was amazing. She had her baby, without him, but he did get to come home for a week to meet her (the baby).

The ward was always over, bringing meals (not even just when the baby was born - and we were a very poor ward), putting in a sprinkler system for her, running errands, babysitting, etc.

He came home when his tour was over, having been in multiple crashes/bombings, he had a lot of issues to deal with (more than the average, when they come home). Their family actually needed more help than ever during the first few months he was home. But most everything is back to normal now and they bought a new house that was much nicer out in Washington Terrace and I don't hear a lot from them anymore, although I hear they've had a third little girl.

She became the strongest woman I've ever met, I've never seen her equal - I expect meeting Emma Smith would be a similar experience.

She didn't want to go through it but that was how her life was supposed to play out at that point so she did it.

While he was gone, they had weekly (at the very least) "dates" where they ate dinner together over Skype. They talked on the phone every night. They wrote letters every week, mostly love letters and what they'd do with their future.

The bishop kept very close tabs on her, along with everyone else. He made sure she always had a calling or at least something to do in the ward (so that she always had some time to think about others too), but never let her get overwhelmed by any of it.

The stay-at-home moms in the ward got together weekly so she always for sure had a time to talk to other adult women and relax while her kid/s played together. A few of them were even pregnant the same time as her (including me) so we commiserated together.

I know it's not easy - I've seen it done. I've even been the shoulder she cried on a few times. I also know, if you lean on the Lord enough, it can be done and your marriage and family won't suffer too much because of it.

Sorry so long. I hope it helps even if just a little.

jennzech said...

Tacy, I am so sorry. I actually teared up reading this because I can just imagine how hard this is for you, especially two months before he was supposed to be totally out of the military.

I am always counting down the days that John has left in the National Guard. I have the constant fear that he is going to get deployed while I am here in Virgina without any family at all. And now that we've just bought a house, it makes that fear even greater because I feel like I am tied to this place if he were to get deployed.

I'm telling you this because I understand your fears. John was in Iraq before we started dating, so I can't begin to understand what it will be like for you to have your husband so far away. Just know that you feelings are valid, your tears are warranted, and you have a right to be hurt and angry right now. You also are entitled to have these feelings guilt-free.

So often, I think we tell ourselves that we have to be strong, we have to get over the trials in our lives, and we have to rely on the Lord. All are good and valid points, but I think we get so caught up with being strong that we start to feel guilty if we don't put on a happy face and thank the Lord for our trials right away.

Know that you have love and support around you in Utah, but also way over here on the other side of the country. Your family will be in my prayers. If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know.

LindaDC said...

It is a real shock to me as well....I had no idea he was in a reserve guard. I thought he was totally through. Another problem with the whole deal is that he just started a new job, even though they are supposed to hold it for him until he gets back. Whatever you decide to do, I hope your situation is as good as the one described by Elise. That ward sounds amazing. Good luck in all of this. I am praying for you every day.

Becca Wecca said...

I'm so sorry Tacy! I keep typing things and then deleting them because I just don't know what to say--this whole situation is so frustrating! I guess I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you!

truth, light, and knowledge said...

Thanks so much for all of your comments, love, and support! It means a lot to me!

Paige said...

Wow. Shock. Fear. Anger. When my favorite man was deployed, we experienced a lot of divinely arranged preparation -- like you. I hope the thought of being back around your immediate family is comforting. That would have really helped me. Please tell Lance we'll pray for him by name -- in addition to the "all the servicemen deployed overseas" we mention so often. I'll be praying for you by name as well. -- Paige